


No One Cared

by TobiasHankel



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Addiction, Bisexual Derek Morgan, Bisexual Spencer Reid, Caring Derek Morgan, Cutting, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentioned Jason Gideon, One Shot, Past Drug Addiction, Sad Spencer Reid, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Triggers, author has Problems, lonely spencer reid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29791377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobiasHankel/pseuds/TobiasHankel
Summary: Spencer Reid grew up alone. He had no one to rely on but a self-mutilating addiction. When he tried to reach out for help, no one cared. Now that Spencer is dating Derek, will he care?
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 27
Kudos: 139





	No One Cared

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is about self-harm, read responsibly.

No one knew about them.

The white and pink scars, crisscrossed over his thighs and higher up on his arms. High enough he could get away with rolling up his dress shirts without anyone noticing. Anyone staring.

What would they even say if they saw them? Most of the scars were old, but they spoke of an addiction. A different type of addiction. One the team didn’t know about.

They didn’t know how Spencer used to cope, being alone at college. Alone with no family but a mother who was miles away and not always lucid enough to know who he was.

Sure, he had peers. Other scholars or professors that looked at Spencer’s mind as if it were sent from the Heavens. They could see his bright future, even when he couldn’t but that hope, and admiration only went so far.

It didn’t help the pain in his mind.

It didn’t help when he took the blade out of his pencil sharpener in the restroom between classes because he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

When he was slashing through alabaster skin in the hope to have a moment away from the pain he was feeling.

When he felt so numb, so lost, that he couldn’t get out of bed even though class was about to start.

When he was alone in his dorm room at 3 am trying to figure out why he couldn’t just cut a little deeper, finally killing himself.

No one knew.

He had no one to tell anyway.

\--

Things started to get better when he met Gideon. Gideon was after his mind as well, but it was finally more than that. He was showing Spencer a future that he wanted, one Spencer could actually see.

He was sure Gideon would notice. He almost wanted him to notice. His scars were fading but they were still more pink than white.

He would roll up his sleeves, letting just a few scars and cuts show. Almost begging Gideon to notice, ask him, let him talk about it.

Begging him to care.

But he never did, so Spencer went back to hiding them. Not wearing the FBI academy shorts, and wearing the long sleeve academy shirt instead of the short sleeve version that was much more comfortable and breathable.

No one knew.

No one cared.

\--

He had stopped cutting by the time he was accepted into the BAU, but the want to cut was still there. He could almost feel the healing cuts itch under his clothes, the familiar sting of a razor, the warm blood running down his marred skin.

Spencer fought the need to cut after he killed his first unsub, after Elle left, even after holding Nathan Harris’s slashed wrists together.

He fought the need to cut until he was taken by Tobias Hankel.

Drugs filled the addiction to self-harm, but it was a lot harder to hide.

Track marks could be hidden with sleeves, something he was used to, but there was no hiding the shaking, irritability, or the growing dark circles around his eyes.

He knew everyone could see what was going on. They all knew about Tobias’s drug issue. There was no way a team of profilers couldn’t see his drug addiction.

But again, no one cared.

\--

Spencer got sober by himself. Sober, not clean. His drug addiction was replaced by his old self-harm addiction.

A druggy and addict. That’s all he was anyway. Whether it be Dilaudid or heroin or pain pills or cutting.

Cutting.

He ripped his flesh open, leaving yet another mark in his skin, another scar to join the rest. What did he care anyway, no one was ever going to see his skin. So marred, scarred, bruised, beaten. It didn’t matter.

He dragged his blade across his pale forearm and watched as the blood ran down. He figured he would be tired of blood. So much blood spilled in his life and yet he sought comfort in it.

It pours down his arm, stopping at his elbow before dripping on his floor.

Just another addiction.

\--

In time, surrounded by friends that were as close as family, his self-harming slowed down again. They didn’t know about his cutting but just being around him was enough to ease his pain at times.

Especially Derek Morgan.

The man who called him pretty boy.

The man who would invite him to his place for dinner and a movie after a hard case.

The man who asked him what was wrong when he would scratch at the tops of his thighs or upper arms.

Spencer wasn’t sure when it happened, but their friendship turned into more.

Sitting on Derek’s sofa late one night, Spencer leaned into the older man. “I.. I think I like you more than I should..”

Derek smiled wide, pulling him in even closer, “I’m glad I’m not the only one, pretty boy.”

Derek knew Spencer had never really dated before, and Spencer knew Derek was okay with that. He had no problem going slow. He had waited years to be with Spencer, something like inexperience was not going to scare him away.

Despite how close the two had become, Spencer still didn’t tell Derek about his cutting. The addiction he hid under wool sweaters and corduroy pants.

\--

They had been dating for almost six months when it happened.

The couple went out to dinner and this time Spencer had a little bit to drink. Not enough to be drunk or not give consent, just enough to relax the anxious genius.

They hadn’t even made it through Spencer’s doorway before they were kissing. Hands running over available skin, over hips and chests. Their tongues tangled up, telling tales of love and romance between every kiss.

Soon they were on Spencer’s sofa, completely lost in the moment and in each other.

Spencer pulled on the hem of Derek’s shirt, slipping it over his head once he knew his boyfriend was okay with it. He melted into the warm, well-defined chest, not even thinking about the fact that Derek was also pulling his sweater off.

Spencer let him, not thinking about anything else but Derek. Once it was off, he knew he messed up.

Derek had broken from the kiss to pull Spencer’s sweater off so once it came off, he could see them clearly.

Spencer froze as Derek’s eyes widened, fixed on Spencer’s upper arms.

His ruined arms were on full display. Old scars, as well as new, interlaced to form a road map of white and pink lines with a few red, scabbed over cuts in the mix.

Spencer, who was straddling Derek’s lap at this point, climbed off him quickly and threw his sweater back on. “Derek… I—I can explain…” Spencer stuttered out even though he had no idea what he was going to say. He was sure Derek was going to leave him.

Who would ever want a cutter?

“Spencer, calm down. It’s okay, baby.” Derek started, standing up and moving over to Spencer, who was now starting to cry.

Spencer’s breathing was picking up and he turned away from Derek, tears falling on his cheeks and sweater. “No, no, no… I’m so stupid..” He whispered to himself as he started to walk away from Derek. If it were Derek’s apartment, he would just leave. Runaway from the disgust and shame that he thought was waiting for him.

Instead, he went straight to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

It was quiet. He wasn’t sure if Derek was even still in the apartment and part of him hoped he just left. Maybe they could just pretend he never saw, like Gideon did.

Derek wouldn’t have to pretend to care.

No one cared.

No one ever cared.

Spencer dug his nails into his upper arms. His skin was screaming to be cut again but before he could act on the need, there was a knock on his bedroom door.

“Spencer, baby. Please, open up.” Derek said from the other side of the door.

 _He is still here.._ Spencer walked back to the door, “N-no.. j-just go, please.. We can p-pretend like you never saw..” He said back, not daring to open the door.

“I don’t want to pretend. I mean..” Derek started. Spencer was sure he heard him mumble a curse word under his breath. “I don’t have to see. You don’t have to show me any part of your body that you don’t want to.. It’s just… I didn’t know.” Spencer could hear the sadness laced into Derek’s voice and he felt guilty.

Spencer wasn’t sure what to say. He did know that he wanted to be wrapped in Derek’s arms. Before he could think of what to do or say, Derek started again.

“Baby boy.. I—Please let me in.”

Spencer, against his better judgment, opened the door. “I’m sorry..” He said, his voice was thick with tears.

Derek, now wearing a shirt, couldn’t help but pull Spencer into a hug. Spencer didn’t fight it. He let himself be held and comforted as his tears soaked Derek’s t-shirt.

Once Spencer calmed down some, Derek started again. “Spencer.. talk to me..”

“I—I don’t know what to say…” Spencer mumbled into the crook of Derek’s neck.

Derek took a moment to think before saying, “You.. Did you do that to yourself?”

Spencer nodded against Derek. To his surprise, he heard Derek start to sniffle. He pulled his head off his chest and saw his boyfriend starting to cry.

“Sorry.. I.. This isn’t fair to you. I just.. I didn’t know you were suffering like this. I have known you for years, dating you for months.. I never knew.. I would have helped; you know that right?” Derek asked, looking Spencer dead in the eye despite his own eyes being clouded with tears.

Spencer was dumbfounded. “You.. care?”

At that, a few tears escaped and ran down Derek’s cheeks, “Spencer… Of course, I care. Why would you even think I wouldn’t?”

Spencer looked away, “N-no one ever has..”

Derek swore he could feel his heartbreak for his love in front of him. He pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. “That isn’t true anymore, pretty boy.”

\--

Derek and Spencer spent the rest of the night wrapped up in each other. Spencer took off his shirt again and then his pants, leaving him only in his boxers where all of his scars and cuts could be clearly seen.

Derek lavished over Spencer, kissing and touching every mark. Soothing over mutilated flesh and telling Spencer just how much he cared and loved him.

He was never going to let Spencer think no one cared again.

Derek knew.

Derek cared.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this out way too fast weeks ago and it has been sitting on my computer so I figured I would just post it. Also, let's ignore the fact that this is really similar to a different fic I posted. 
> 
> If you are struggling with self-harm, you are not alone. You can always reach out to me on my Tumblr.  
> Tumblr: <https://tobias-hankel.tumblr.com/>
> 
> Thank you for reading, let me know what you think :D


End file.
